Van Helsing (1/2 star)
review by Jon Waterman

Dr. Gabriel Van Helsing hunts monsters for a living. A secret religious organization bent on riding the world of evil tells him that if he does their bidding, they’ll give Van Helsing his memory back. Not only does he have to hunt down Dracula and the Wolfman, but he must also keep this woman, Anna, alive so she can help overturn the curse of Dracula.

The film starts off great – for about 5 minutes. We have a black and white flashback to the time when Frankenstein created his monster. (The monster is in the movie as well, by the way.) It appears to be a shot-by-shot homage to the classic film. It borrows the same lighting and camera angles and the sets look mighty familiar. The windmill even comes into play. The similarities and references start to fade away when Dracula comes in and starts a dialogue with the good-intentioned doctor. The sequence is marred by the first wave of special effects (to be followed by many more). Afterwards, the film turns to color and never looks back. The flashback was from a whopping one year prior. If you ask me, that’s not enough time to warrant a black and white prologue, no matter what it was trying to do.

The rest of the movie falls farther and farther down hill. It takes from many different movies with the monster movies being more of the obvious. Also there’s a secret lab with gadgets very reminiscent to the Bond films. I saw (possibly read-into) a bit of Indiana Jones grappling work/problem solving. It mashed together several classic stories just like “League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.” There’s even a “Lion King” moment that you can’t miss. I half expected those pods Dracula keeps to contain either “Killer Klowns From Outer Space” or “Gremlins.”

I hated this thing. Whatever it was trying to be. It was hokey and dumb. The dialogue was cheesy and contrived. It furthered the plot, but at the cost of being natural and good. The acting was just as stupid. If you want overacting, this is the movie for you. Why can’t people realize that villains are more scary and effective when the evil is subdued? There’s a lot of screaming and maniacal behavior. Blah.

The special effects look stupid, too. I can’t wait for the next couple of decades to pass, so that I can see realistic looking special effects. I hate CGI and this movie is loaded with it. What else can I say?

If you liked the recent “Mummy” movies, then you have a better shot at liking this, because it’s done by the same guy: Stephen Sommers. I at least found “The Mummy” to be fun. “Van Helsing” is not. It’s over two-hours long and I just wanted it to end virtually right away. It’s a truly disappointing way to start off the summer season. This verges on one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Skip it.

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