Troy (*1/2)
review by Jon Waterman

You all had to read it in High School (or will if you’re not there yet), but here it is in movie form. The Illiad, a classic epic poem written close to three thousand years ago by a man known only as Homer, tells the story of a great war. Back in 1193 B.C., Paris, a prince from the city of Troy, steals Helen, the queen of Sparta, away from her husband Menelaus. The king teams up with his power-hungry brother Agamemnon as well as virtually the entire country of Greece in order to raid Troy and get Helen back. The also enlist the best warrior around, the renegade Achilles, who agrees only so he can become a legend. Troy has always withstood intruders before, but can they fend off this incredible number?

As you can probably guess, the film isn’t completely faithful to the original text. The Gods are virtually non-existent and relationships and such things were changed around and manipulated to fit the purposes of a three-hour movie. I won’t berate the film based on its lack of historical or cultural integrity, because if they tried to get it all correct, it probably would have turned out to be a bigger mess than it was worth. Plus, the audience would have been confused or overwhelmed. This is what I meant in my “Return of the King” review when I said, “Just because something is true to the original source does not make it good. Some things work on paper much better than they do on film.” So, consolidating isn’t a big thing...as long as it does actually work. Here, it’s about half and half. The story flowed well, but of course is structured in typical Hollywood fashion. Keep in mind you’re there to watch a summer blockbuster-type flick and it’ll be easier to swallow.

With all the inaccuracies aside, the movie still isn’t all that good. It’s just a common war movie that happens to be set in a different time period and has an over abundance of soap opera moments and exaggerated reaction shots. The fights are of your standard quality. Move the camera so you can’t really make out what’s going on and add sound effects to give a clue. There’s very kinetic camera work for no apparent reason other than to show off computer graphics. Really, there’s nothing new here. Directory Wolfgang Petersen plays it safe. There are no real memorable moments. There’s nothing sensational that would make the audience react with awe. Just a bunch of fake people fighting other fake people from a camera position so far away they look like ants.

And it’s drawn out. The movie does run for about three hours, and it accomplishes this by repeating sequences with different characters. I don’t think we need to see the entire death process for everyone, do we? Was that in their contracts? If you really want to make an epic film, find and use the material that will keep it fresh. There’s plenty of it in there. Throw in some Gods. There’s your originality. There’s your hook. There’s your new material. There’s your epic. Nothing is bigger than the Gods.

To top it off, the music is horrible. It is cheesy, laughable, annoying and repetitive. If anything screams melodrama (in a bad way), it’s this music. Oh, and when the movie ends, please try to leave as fast as you can to avoid the vomit inducing song that plays over the credits. James Horner needs to stop or be stopped.

Really quick, I feel I should mention the actors. I enjoyed the casting. I thought the actors all did a fine job. They fit their respective parts quite well. Brad Pitt as Achilles looks fierce and stubborn. Sean Bean looks exactly as I would have imagined Odysseus to look (and I would like to see that story made into a series of movies). Everyone else, pretty much the same deal. I had a problem with Orlando Bloom. His facial reactions looked too childish and laughable at times. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to pull off the emotional content of the scene or if he was catering to the audience. Neither worked for me. I also had a problem with Diane Kruger as Helen. I’ve heard this criticism before, and I agree that I don’t think she’s pretty enough to play Helen. She’s not a bad actress, but it’s a high standard. However, in her defense, there would be critics voicing out against anyone cast in that part and Diane shouldn’t take any of it to heart. No one can live up to imagination.

Don’t expect to be able to use the film as a cheat sheet or study guide. It may help you keep track of the characters, but is essentially useless for school purposes. Don’t expect much entertainment value, either. A story of this stature and girth deserves better. Perhaps a mini-series would be better suited to house the myriad unused (and probably wanted) elements. You can expect to see Brad Pitt’s naked butt. For some of you, that may be reason enough to rush to theaters, but for the rest of us, stay home and read.

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