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The Roller Boogie contest is only a few days away and everyone on the boardwalk is training as hard as they can. Some, like Bobby James, are pushing themselves extra hard in the hopes of becoming an Olympic contender. Others, like Terry Barkley, just want to be noticed. The two motivations collide as Terry escapes from her unloving rich parents to slum it with the roller skaters. Along the way, she hires James to teach her some of his dynamite moves. But there’s a bigger problem than two young kids from opposite sides of the tracks getting together. Greedy goons are threatening to shut down the skating rink where the contest is to be held unless the owner ponies up the dough. Only the power of skate can save them now!

Director Mark L. Lester lacks luster in this slap dash transparent attempt to quickly capitalize on the popularity of roller skating and disco music. The movie starts out a big pile of cheese as roller skaters roll through the teenager filled streets while showing off their magical abilities to jump and land…ON WHEELS! I don’t think you understand, guys. Humans weren’t born with wheels. This is amazing. Well, as they ride backwards and keep their balance, everyone they pass becomes enthralled, and since they already of course have skates on, and join the ever-swelling herd of wheeled sheep as they reach this parking lot thing equipped with barrels and cones for them to bust some groovy moves. The scene culminates with an appearance by none other than Jumping Jack Flash! Yeah, I don’t know who that is, either. This guy in a pink jumpsuit with a long an aviator skull cap and a purple bandana sticking out like a cape never lets you know. He’ll never be seen again.

It never becomes less corny. Nothing really makes much sense. Why does Terry (played by Linda Blair) decide to escape by roller skating? How is Bobby (played by stunt double turned leading man Jim Bray in his only screen performance) going to make the Olympics, especially when he doesn’t have a coach (or even a family, it seems) or an outlet to get there? Why does the focus of the movie switch half-way through? Who thought this was a good idea?

The acting is atrocious, especially by Jim Bray. This kid obviously was not meant to speak on camera. He can deliver a triple lutz at the drop of the hat, but when it comes to delivering a line of dialogue with any hint of some type of emotion…well, let’s just say he’s a good skater. There’s plenty of skating to be seen, too. I think I would rather see a musical than have the lame story broken up with boring skating breaks. Most of it is extremely uninteresting and unbearably repetitive. This might have been slightly forgivable, but the music they had written specifically for the film is so bad, it might as well have been written and sung by Jim Bray.

I can’t imagine how this film could ever inspire anyone to take up skating or to appreciate disco music. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if this very movie had a direct correlation with the downfall of both fads. Virtually everyone would do well to avoid this. However, fans of bad movies should not hesitate to skate down the street and pick up your buddies (who are sure to be in skates) so you can all gather around and poke endless fun at the ridiculousness and wonderment that is “Roller Boogie.”

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