Men In Black II (**)
review by Jon Waterman

Here we go again.  Men In Black II or MIB II or MIIB or ID5 (oh, that comes later).  It was bound to happen.  A big movie makes a lot of money so they pay a lot of money to make a movie based on the first money-making movie, because they know that people will see the new movie just because they pretty much have to, if they saw the first one, because the first one was good, so maybe this one will be too, but don’t hold your breath, because you don’t want to be overly disappointed, you just want this sentence to stop.

Do you need the plot?  Evil aliens.  Good agents fight evil aliens.  World in peril.  Second verse, same as the first.

Let’s go over the formula for a sequel, shall we?

1.) Bring back main actors
2.) New badass villain (or two)
3.) New love interest
4.) Familiar situations
5.) New writer to screw things up

Check on numbers 1 through 5.  Good work boys, let’s prep the third.  When will the studios learn that when the first one is good and funny, then they should probably bring that guy back to do the next so that it may be good and funny as well?  I’ll give it a month and if things don’t turn around, then, well…I won’t go see MIB II again.  Now that’s a promise I can keep.

Now, I’m not saying the movie wasn’t funny.  It was, sometimes.  I’m saying it lacked the charm and the more subtle wit that the first one had.  This role reversal stuff of the student becoming the teacher is not appealing to me.  Also, how are we supposed to laugh at the same jokes we saw in the many different television commercials and trailers.  Almost all the good stuff was exposed to us already.  Not a smart move.  I will say this:  MIIB had the only good usage of “Who Let the Dogs Out” that I’ve heard.  And, yes, I’m embarrassed to have said that.

This time around we got more crazy looking aliens, but they aren’t for interactin’.  Oh, no.  They be strictly background material.  Don’t touch or talk to, or else you may make the movie interesting.  Instead the two main aliens look like humans.  Oh, hey, imagine that.  Lara Flynn Boyle and Johnny Knoxville.  Knox should go away now.  He’s had his fun.  Get out of our movies.  Go bash someone’s testes with your fat bank roll.  Rosario Dawson is the girl so captivating, she makes Will Smith break the rules.  Tommy Lee (Jones) is back after using some type of memory un-erasing machine – kinda like what the FBI uses to recover all that “deleted” porn from your hard drive.  And we got more worm action.  They were good for a quick laugh in the first one, but never would I imagine they should be supporting characters (and I still think I’m right).  Frank, the pug is also back in a bigger role.  He provides some humor that you wouldn’t expect.  We also have Tony Shalhoub back as the Pawn shop owner with a regenerative head.  Nice of them to back up some bull to get him into the movie.  David Cross, who was the clerk in the morgue, is back as a video store clerk and is always good for a laugh.

I’ve pretty much described what to expect from the movie.  Most likely it’s nothing you don’t already know.  And if you aren’t excited by now, then don’t expect to be.  This is the thrill right here.  Top of the line excitement.

By the way, most of the aliens you see in the picture are actually people in suits and elaborate makeup.  Thank you so much.  CG be damned.

If you must see the movie, then go matinee or video rental.  Don’t spend so much money at the theater.  Better yet, watch the first one over and over, because that’s the good stuff, right there.

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