FILMBRATS - REVIEWS

Movie director Carl Denham needs a hit. His claim to fame is exotic documentaries, but these days everybody wants romance in their pictures. So that’s what he’s going to give them, only he’s going to do it his way. Desperate for an actress, he plucks Ann Darrow from the streets and takes her on his boat/makeshift movie set. Along with the movie star Bruce Baxter and the writer Jack Driscoll and a large crew, they drift along the ocean looking for a secret filming location. It is there that Denham hopes to find his movie. He has heard legend that a giant monster lives on this uncharted island. If he can get footage of the beast and incorporate it into his romantic adventure picture, he would be set for life. The only problem is getting everything to go according to plan.

Peter Jackson (director/co-writer along with Philippa Boyens and Fran Walsh) revisits the movie that made him want to become a filmmaker. He really should have let well enough alone. Why would anyone want to remake a classic film, especially one that they hold in such high regard? Do they honestly believe they can improve upon the original? Why not just take some of your mega millions and hype up a massive mainstream re-release of your favorite movie of all time? Or if you really feel the need to remake something, remake something bad into something good. That’s how we got the 1939 version of “The Wizard of Oz.” No matter what you do, don’t create a brand new, flashier update that’s nearly twice the length of, and completely ruins what was so good about, the movie you fell in love with. I just it’s too late. The damage has been done, and not by a 25-foot tall ape.

What went horribly, horribly wrong, you may ask? The main problem has to do with the length. Don’t get me wrong, it flows very well, and honestly, you really don’t feel those three hours go by. However, the simple fact that it is three hours, when the original was only 100 minutes, means that extra stuff must be added. 87 minutes of new material. That’s the problem. So, now we are force fed a lot of back story that doesn’t enhance the characterization of the people we see on screen. I really don’t want to see Ann’s vaudevillian roots. When the theatre closes down and her old man friend says he’s done with performing, she treats it as if he just died and they’ll never be allowed to see each other again. How is that good character development? Well, it sets up how easily persuaded and idiotic Ann is, as she is able to fall in love with the massive ape Kong simply by dancing for him before he throws an infantile tantrum. Tell me, in a movie this incredibly long, how is it the most important piece of story is relegated to such a pathetically glanced over, un-relatable moment such as that? I guess it’s just that Ann is simply a moron. Not only do they bond over her pathetic dancing and some incredibly lame skating on the New York ice (how is it they were able to get away?), but when Kong is up on the Empire State Building, Ann is up at the top on the inside, running in the direction of the planes shooting at him (and thus inadvertently at her) so the broken glass is continually flying at her and given her ample opportunity to be hit by a stray bullet. Oh, the things people do for hot, monkey love.

They shouldn’t have made her fall in love with the creature to begin with. A major part of what made the ending of the original so tragic is that no one understood Kong except for the audience in the theatre. In this modern remake, if that idiot falls in love with him, then what motivation do I have for sympathizing with him? There isn’t that special connection, because someone else sees Kong for what he truly is. Also the rest of the movie leading up to the ending isn’t as exhilarating, because Ann doesn’t want to be saved or rescued. So, there’s no fear, which means there’s no urgency, which means there’s no excitement.

Forget Ann and Kong for a moment. There are other idiotic moments to be criticized. The writing trio inserted this new storyline thread involving Jimmy and Hayes (sounds like a great 70s cop duo, doesn’t it?). The young Jimmy magically appeared on the boat one day and Hayes decided to keep him aboard. Now they’re like father and son. This whole subplot should be completely eliminated. I hated all the stuff involving Denham and the studio and the cheap, unfunny referential joke to the 1933 version. I don’t think Denham is a strong enough leader this time around, either.

There’s so much that could be cut. Get rid of the giant worms that attack people. Cut down every single sequence, because they are all twice as long as they need to be. There’s no need to over compensate by having Kong fight three T-Rex dinosaurs and there’s certainly no need for the fight to go on for a half hour. The brontosaurus stampede shouldn’t be so laughable. You know something’s wrong with your movie if Adrian Brody can hip check a raptor and keep his stride.

This is a Hollywood-ized remake of an already Hollywood-ized movie. Plus, the film is way too long and extremely poorly written. I don’t think Peter Jackson knows how to make short movies anymore, because if he can’t find at least an hour’s worth to cut out of this, he should give me a call. He should also probably start looking into letting someone other than him and his wife write the scripts, because there are some serious problems here. This movie is pathetic and laughable and an insult to the original. But the computer generated Kong looks good.

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