Car Wash (zero
stars)
review by Jon
Waterman
Did you ever wonder what it might be like to work in the fast-paced,
thrill a minute world of the car wash? Or, if you have or currently
do work in a car wash, have you ever wondered why they haven’t
made a movie about your crazy, unpredictable life on the job?
If you’re like me, the answer to these questions is a
resounding “No.” But that doesn’t always
stop things like this from being made. You can only imagine
the kinds of crazy madcap misadventures these guys will wash
through today!
Joel Schumacher (costume designer and writer of “Sparkle”)
penned this extremely lackluster, completely unfunny script.
The movie boasts a decent sized cast, and Schumacher doesn’t
know what to do with any of their characters. He puts a lot
of jokes in there that are dependent on some piece of backstory
that only briefly hear even though we should see it. He treats
the film as if we actually have been working there with them
for years and actually know who these people are. It’s
a vital mistake that sucks all the air out of the humor. We
aren’t allowed to get to know anyone, which is crucial
for us to be able to laugh at/with them. As a result, most
of the movie is spent trying to piece together the relationships
and dynamics of the place.
The movie just tries to do too much. So many different scenarios
and episodes occur throughout the 97-minute running time, that
it’s tough to keep up or find your ground. They push
you through to the next, completely unrelated scene as if you
were one of the cars. To make matters worse, they overlap and
a couple of them run throughout the entire thing. The problem
with this is that you forget about it completely and it takes
you out of the moment as you think back to what was going on
before. But even more painful than that, is that none of these
little stories amount to anything. There’s absolutely
no payoff. There’s no real reason for any of it to have
occurred. So bad. And very unfunny.
I’m a little shocked that great comedians like George
Carlin and Richard Pryor would allow themselves to be in this
movie. Their talents are totally wasted. Carlin is relegated
to an idiot cabbie whose dialogue consists of “Have you
seen a tall black chick with blonde hair?” What a great
part. And Pryor’s role is actually quite serious, but
ultimately equally meaningless.
Director Michael Schultz should be doing better stuff than
this. With “Cooley
High” he showed us that he has
a great sense of realism and keeping a picture going in a very
understated way. Here, the whole picture loses any type of
atmosphere, mystique, or attitude. This has to be one of the
most boring, uninspired comedies I’ve ever seen in my
life. Despite the fast pace, I’m honestly surprised I
didn’t fall asleep. It was boring and just jaw-droppingly
bad.
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