Anybody out there like bad movies? No? Anyone out there like reviews of bad movies? Yeah, that's what I thought. Well...here you go!
SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2
Review by Jon Waterman
Zero stars
“Baby Geniuses” was so groundbreaking and awesome, that it was just begging for a sequel. Well, for the two people that asked for it, aren’t you regretting your decision now?
Quick overview of the plot: Kane is an evil media mogul who wants to control the minds of children through his new hypnotic cable channel. Kahuna is the original superbaby who has been around since the 60s (still a baby, mind you) fighting his arch-nemesis, Kane. This time he can’t do it alone. He needs the help of a new group of Superbabies.
Instead of describing in laboring paragraph form why this movie sucks, I present you with a list in no discernable order.
1.) They use the same main kid from the first in a different main role
2.) The aunt and uncle of the lead from the first movie don’t call attention to the resemblance
3.) The aunt and uncle are Vanessa Angel and Scott Baio
4.) Jon Voight is the media mogul with a hideous German accent
5.) The baby has a “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” like ooze that he drinks to become super powerful.
6.) He has a stupid motorized tricycle that also acts as a helicopter
7.) Whoopi Goldberg makes a cameo
8.) Reality show boy band O-Town makes a worse cameo
9.) Kahuna’s hideout is this Neverland Cave thing minus the rides and toys, but plus a moat deep enough to drown the kids if they misbehave.
10.) The babysitter is supposed to be the smartest girl in school, but in reality she’s just a dumb blonde.
11.) Kahuna’s hideout is located in the “H” of the Hollywood sign, which is accessible by driving through a secret entrance located in the front.
12.) After showing a vehicle drive in, they pull out to reveal the Hollywood sign, which obviously has no room for a driveway leading into the “H” of any sort.
13.) The computer composting of the Kahuna’s head onto the fight stand-in’s body is just as bad if not worse than in the original.
14.) The fight scenes are more unbelievable.
15.) It’s less funny than the original, which is saying a whole lot.
16.) The acting is too over-the-top, even for a silly kids movie.
17.) The new set of babies aren’t interesting
18.) The superpowers of the new crew enter into the equation way too late in the game (try last scene).
19.) In terms of script, there’s no development of anything anywhere.
20.) Do you really need a 20th reason?
Well, on the plus side, I have to say that the triplets playing the Kahuna do have a good screen presence. But that’s not enough to warrant wasting time and money on this garbage. Maybe your kids will like it? I couldn’t imagine anyone with an attention span good enough to watch this would like what they saw. It don’t get much worse than this.
+++++++++
Baby Geniuses
Review by Jon Waterman
1/2 star
Ok, get this. Babies are big business. Two sinister scientists are trying to harness the superior intelligence of the baby race so they can exploit it and all the technological advances that come with it. At the same time, a privately owned day care center dad is working on trying to figure out baby speak, because he also believes that they have superior intellect. He has no ulterior motive. Here’s the kicker. The main mean scientist and the dad are related. Oh, and get this. The dad’s son has a twin (unbeknownst to them) that is part of the scientist’s experiments. Sounds believable so far, so what’s the problem?
You know what. As much as it sounds like crap, the premise isn’t all that terrible. There’s an interesting story in the idea of babies holding a collective unconscious surpassing adults that’s inaccessible do to a language barrier. And when the babies learn to talk to adults, they “cross over” and lose all their knowledge. It’s far-fetched, but sounds like it could be something. What makes it so horrible is the way it is presented, with evil scientists and martial arts action and so on.
The film is meant as a family comedy, but here too it fails. It’s great to laugh at, but not how the filmmakers intended. How director Bob Clark can go from something so great as “A Christmas Story” to something so nauseating as this is beyond me. He teamed up with Greg Michael (lifelong second unit director on crappy movies) to pen the myriad “diaper gravy” references and to throw in some creepy baby sex humor in there for the adults. What were they thinking? Insinuating that babies had sex in a stroller as an oblivious adult taxied this other kid around is just sick and wrong.
Never mind that. That’s not the only creepy thing in the movie. There’s also this giant animatronic giant baby (that’s part of some theme park the scientists open) that would scare some kids more than clowns. But mostly the creep factor comes from the horrible looking computer generated talking babies. It just looks weird. The new lips sometimes float around awkwardly and sometimes the skin tones don’t match. It looks bad. I understand the need to have a group of talking babies in a film called “Baby Geniuses,” but put a little effort into it. Kids can tell a product this shoddy when they see it, too. Also in the fighting scenes, the head of the baby that’s placed over the fighting stand in is much worse. It looks like the head is about to pop off.
By the way, evidently being a super genius means you have super strength. The opening scene is our main character fighting off security guards and winning. I guess no one tells the other babies they can rule the school, because they all basically just sit around and talk about stuff. They never explain how the one kid’s physical capabilities surpass that of the adults. They don’t explain a lot of things.
This movie is one big heaping pile of diaper gravy.
SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2
Review by Jon Waterman
Zero stars
“Baby Geniuses” was so groundbreaking and awesome, that it was just begging for a sequel. Well, for the two people that asked for it, aren’t you regretting your decision now?
Quick overview of the plot: Kane is an evil media mogul who wants to control the minds of children through his new hypnotic cable channel. Kahuna is the original superbaby who has been around since the 60s (still a baby, mind you) fighting his arch-nemesis, Kane. This time he can’t do it alone. He needs the help of a new group of Superbabies.
Instead of describing in laboring paragraph form why this movie sucks, I present you with a list in no discernable order.
1.) They use the same main kid from the first in a different main role
2.) The aunt and uncle of the lead from the first movie don’t call attention to the resemblance
3.) The aunt and uncle are Vanessa Angel and Scott Baio
4.) Jon Voight is the media mogul with a hideous German accent
5.) The baby has a “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” like ooze that he drinks to become super powerful.
6.) He has a stupid motorized tricycle that also acts as a helicopter
7.) Whoopi Goldberg makes a cameo
8.) Reality show boy band O-Town makes a worse cameo
9.) Kahuna’s hideout is this Neverland Cave thing minus the rides and toys, but plus a moat deep enough to drown the kids if they misbehave.
10.) The babysitter is supposed to be the smartest girl in school, but in reality she’s just a dumb blonde.
11.) Kahuna’s hideout is located in the “H” of the Hollywood sign, which is accessible by driving through a secret entrance located in the front.
12.) After showing a vehicle drive in, they pull out to reveal the Hollywood sign, which obviously has no room for a driveway leading into the “H” of any sort.
13.) The computer composting of the Kahuna’s head onto the fight stand-in’s body is just as bad if not worse than in the original.
14.) The fight scenes are more unbelievable.
15.) It’s less funny than the original, which is saying a whole lot.
16.) The acting is too over-the-top, even for a silly kids movie.
17.) The new set of babies aren’t interesting
18.) The superpowers of the new crew enter into the equation way too late in the game (try last scene).
19.) In terms of script, there’s no development of anything anywhere.
20.) Do you really need a 20th reason?
Well, on the plus side, I have to say that the triplets playing the Kahuna do have a good screen presence. But that’s not enough to warrant wasting time and money on this garbage. Maybe your kids will like it? I couldn’t imagine anyone with an attention span good enough to watch this would like what they saw. It don’t get much worse than this.
+++++++++
Baby Geniuses
Review by Jon Waterman
1/2 star
Ok, get this. Babies are big business. Two sinister scientists are trying to harness the superior intelligence of the baby race so they can exploit it and all the technological advances that come with it. At the same time, a privately owned day care center dad is working on trying to figure out baby speak, because he also believes that they have superior intellect. He has no ulterior motive. Here’s the kicker. The main mean scientist and the dad are related. Oh, and get this. The dad’s son has a twin (unbeknownst to them) that is part of the scientist’s experiments. Sounds believable so far, so what’s the problem?
You know what. As much as it sounds like crap, the premise isn’t all that terrible. There’s an interesting story in the idea of babies holding a collective unconscious surpassing adults that’s inaccessible do to a language barrier. And when the babies learn to talk to adults, they “cross over” and lose all their knowledge. It’s far-fetched, but sounds like it could be something. What makes it so horrible is the way it is presented, with evil scientists and martial arts action and so on.
The film is meant as a family comedy, but here too it fails. It’s great to laugh at, but not how the filmmakers intended. How director Bob Clark can go from something so great as “A Christmas Story” to something so nauseating as this is beyond me. He teamed up with Greg Michael (lifelong second unit director on crappy movies) to pen the myriad “diaper gravy” references and to throw in some creepy baby sex humor in there for the adults. What were they thinking? Insinuating that babies had sex in a stroller as an oblivious adult taxied this other kid around is just sick and wrong.
Never mind that. That’s not the only creepy thing in the movie. There’s also this giant animatronic giant baby (that’s part of some theme park the scientists open) that would scare some kids more than clowns. But mostly the creep factor comes from the horrible looking computer generated talking babies. It just looks weird. The new lips sometimes float around awkwardly and sometimes the skin tones don’t match. It looks bad. I understand the need to have a group of talking babies in a film called “Baby Geniuses,” but put a little effort into it. Kids can tell a product this shoddy when they see it, too. Also in the fighting scenes, the head of the baby that’s placed over the fighting stand in is much worse. It looks like the head is about to pop off.
By the way, evidently being a super genius means you have super strength. The opening scene is our main character fighting off security guards and winning. I guess no one tells the other babies they can rule the school, because they all basically just sit around and talk about stuff. They never explain how the one kid’s physical capabilities surpass that of the adults. They don’t explain a lot of things.
This movie is one big heaping pile of diaper gravy.
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